It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve done a beauty post, so I thought I’d give you all an insight into my daily makeup routine. You lucky ducks…
However, I’m going to get real witchoo – my beauty regime (if it can even be called that) is a shambles of epic proportions. Whilst I manage to look vaguely passable on a daily basis, it’s not without major drams in the AM – and it’s nothing like the shiny and put-together image I try and project across social media. If you’re a beauty lover with a sensitive disposition, it’s probably time to look away – because my painfully honest makeup routine is seriously ugly…
trainers, leggings, shirt, coat and scarf: asos | bag: chanel | sunglasses: wildfox
First thing I do every morning is attack my face with a baby-wipe, because I usually fail epically at removing my makeup the night before. Gross, but true. Then, I’ll half-heartedly wipe a bit of facewash around my chops (if it’s a special occasion – most mornings, an under-eye swipe and a splash of cold water will do), and tackle the makeup side of things – no cleansing and toning for me…
About 20% of the time I remember to use a primer – which I use solely because I feel I should but I have zero clue what it actually does. After zoning out for a good five minutes to let this sink in, I’ll cake on the foundation – usually the wrong colour because my fake-tan cycle is out of whack – with an oval brush that I haven’t washed in about six months. Yum.
Contouring is my fave part of this whole charade, even if I have literally zero strategy behind my application – I usually slap a bit of highlighter under my eyes, down my nose and onto my chin, and scribble on some cheekbones with a Chubby Stick like a child with some Crayolas. To set this (I say ‘set’, but usually by about 4am I look like a seagull that’s been caught in an oil-slick) I’ll slather my face in a setting powder – then bake my nose and under-eyes with a slightly different powder for no apparent reason. Like, why is it any better than the other one? I have no idea.
Eyeshadow is a legit stab in the dark because I have NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING, and I’ve TRIED watching YouTube tutorials but it makes no difference and always looks like a powdery mess so STFU. Eyeliner usually starts off with good intentions, but I can never quite get the eyes to match up, so I usually just smoke out smear the line with whatever brush is lying around on my dressing table. And not with new shadow – with whatever shadow is still on the brush. Do you think I’m gross yet?
I’ve got no eyelashes to speak of, so mascara is a half-hearted attempt which usually ends in me wiping black crap all over my eyelids. Usually, I’ll just try and blend this into my eyeliner, because WHO HAS TIME TO START AGAIN?
Usually, at this point, I’m assuming my powder has had time to bake (wut), so I go over my contouring with VERY VERY DARK BRONZER that makes me look a bit muddy in certain lights. Because I have no idea in which order to apply bronzer and blush, I tend to do blusher afterwards, with a Chanel brush I’ve genuinely owned since 2009. (Another fun fact: I have no idea what the expiry date is on any of my beauty products. I have several lipsticks that are older than my teenage cousins. Ew.)
And then, the car-crash which is highlighter – I bought a very snazzy brush with which to apply this, but I still manage to look like a sweaty Edward Cullen whenever I use it. Lip liner follows – because I literally cannot be bothered to keep reapplying lipstick in the day, so I stick to pencils – and, if I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing, makes me look like the Joker. C’est la vie.
I finish everything off with a makeup setting spray (again: does this do anything?) and wonder whether I look a little bit too much like a transvestite.
Usually, the answer is yes.