I’m not old. I’m twenty three, actually, so technically I’m in the prime of life and should be filled with youthful energy and a mischievous whimsy (or something). But just because I’m not old according to my birth certificate, it doesn’t mean than I’m not. And I most certainly am.
Confused? I’ll explain. Welcome to my mid(twenties)life crisis.
I’m old because:
I literally cannot stay awake past 11pm. I get home from work, dump my crap in the hallway and IMMEDIATELY get into my pyjamas. I move from the sofa to the bed at about 9pm to “watch something on TV”, and then fall asleep by about 9.25. The weekends are even worse, because after all the nonsense of the week I can barely keep my eyes open. Seriously, don’t ask me to do anything past dinnertime.
When I go out now, it’s a disaster. I mean, firstly, see above: I’m usually falling asleep in the taxi ON THE WAY to the bar. Secondly, when I went out at uni, I spent about a tenner each time and would be sufficiently buzzed: last weekend I had to pay £73 to get a taxi home (thanks, Uber surge) and, because my tastes have slightly matured in the last few years past a lukewarm blue WKD, I spend a fortune on bevvys that barely get me giggly and just make me want to go to bed. (Noticing a common theme yet?)
And if I do go out, my hangover is dire. I’ve dragged myself out and drunk three cans of Red Bull to perk myself up. I’ve had two glasses of wine (scandal). I get the last train home (because Uber surge) and I’m in bed, with a glass of water, by midnight. Dream. I wake up and want to gouge my eyes out with spoons and cut out my tongue with rusty scissors. How on earth did I go out all the time a mere two years ago? I vow to never drink again and spend the day on the sofa sweating and watching Catfish.
I buy things full price. Probably not a big deal to some, but I used to have this weird phobia of buying things full price in stores, and predominantly shop on the sale rails (****BARGAINS!!****). However, I’ve now found myself saying things like WELL THERE’S A REASON IT’S IN THE SALE!! and THAT’S JUST FALSE ECONOMY!! and not even trying to find a voucher code. Is this being a grown-up? Probably.
I can’t hear. Anything. I went to a gig the other week and genuinely complained to my friend that it was too noisy, and spend my life going “What? WHAT?” when someone tried to tell me something surreptitiously. I asked to move seats in a restaurant because I was seated too close to a speaker. The waitress looked at me with such sadness and pity and probably gave me an OAP discount.
I’ve also given up trying to be trendy and dress mainly for comfort. Because if I can’t be in pyjamas, I want to wear the nearest thing to them. #Sweatpantslife
And things that didn’t ache before ache now. Why does my back hurt? Why are my knees aching? I do an alarming lack of exercise, so surely I should be on top form at all times.
Waking up horribly early. And thinking, “oh GOOD! I can actually DO SOMETHING with my day! Hurrah!”. (Usually, doing something with my day includes going to Sainsbury’s and bleaching the bath. No joke.)
This isn’t even a definitive list, but because I’m so old and cranky I CBA to write the rest out. Maybe, after I’ve had a nap (obvs) I’ll write a part two…